I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
