Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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