I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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