3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
