Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Your face is a jimmy john
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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