And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What a dumb baby whore.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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