i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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