Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
