I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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