i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
