I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
