that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
