And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
