Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
