no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
