Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
