btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
