You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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