At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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