plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
