So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
