OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
