Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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