I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
