just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
