I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
