He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
