I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
