Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day ðŸ˜ðŸ’€#pensacolaproblems
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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