Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
