I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
