If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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