I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
