I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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