her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
