I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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