I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
