You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
