I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
