My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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