I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
