The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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