i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Is her dick bigger than yours?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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