She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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