You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Little spoons don't ask big questions
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Mom said you looked used
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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