I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
