It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
