I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
