I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
