take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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