Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
