Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
