You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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